Why we need to talk to people with whom we disagree
Even as the blockades in Ottawa break up, the ugly divisiveness that has taken root in our city and the country is not going anywhere. I hope we can use this moment to pause, and think deeply about where we go from here.
Shortly after the Freedom Convoy arrived in Ottawa, I invited anyone interested from my Facebook network to join me in a virtual conversation about the convoy with people of opposing views. As someone trained in helping people have necessary, and often difficult conversations, I felt compelled to foster meaningful dialogue about the protest beyond the tweets and siloed talking points. I know that this protest/occupation (which word you use is contingent on what side of this you are on) has been a lightning rod, breaking apart friends, families and the country as a whole. But we desperately need to talk to people with whom we disagree - even if it’s hard or uncomfortable. I believe it was a lack of listening that got us to this point in the first place.
A dozen people expressed interest and so I held three one-hour Zoom sessions with small groups of equal representation for and against the convoy. Picture this: an ICU nurse, an unvaccinated person, a Calgary business person and a public health practitioner all on one video call. No one yelled at each other or hurled insults. We all just listened to one another and spoke our own truth. People shared how the pandemic has impacted their life and their feelings towards the convoy.
And you know what? While the goal was to just listen, be heard and not change anyone’s opinions, I think most people’s perspectives softened, not hardened. People felt empathy for one another even if they disagreed. In the most extraordinary exchange, the ICU nurse working the COVID floor who went on stress leave apologized to the unvaccinated woman for the smears that had been thrown at her. In another moment, everyone gave a virtual hug to the person who teared up at the thought of losing her remaining parent to the virus because he is immunocompromised. That is the magic of listening to one another deeply — our hearts open. An essential point of the dialogue was getting to the “why” of the issue. Why do you feel the way you do? And when you get to that level, we often find some alignment with each other’s perspectives, even if we come at it from different positions: none of us want a ‘dictator’ or ‘fascism’ to take root (words that are constantly being used on both sides of the social media coin these days), and we all want a better world for us and our children.
Democracy is fragile and our social fabric is unraveling. We desperately need to patch it, not tear it apart. To do that we need to stop relishing in the delight of someone else’ plight; calling everyone who disagrees with us liars (or worse), and only listening to those who affirm our thinking. As Adam Grant says in his latest book ‘Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don't Know’, in a world of ‘us and them’, “listening can encourage others to reconsider their stance toward us, but it also gives us information that can lead us to question our own views about them.”
The more we push people away with whom we disagree, the more polarized and hate-filled this world will become. I hope we can all agree that this is not the direction in which we want to go.
